Ennui

My grandmother was a lover of word games, and it something that she most definitely passed on to me. I have many memories of watching Wheel of Fortune with her, of games of Boggle together, and of our working through the word puzzles in the newspaper. So, it doesn’t surprise me at all that one of the first things that I do every morning is to play the daily Wordle.

Recently, the word was one that I had never heard but instantly began to use. The word was ENNUI. I didn’t know it, so I googled it, and the definition took my breath away. Essentially, it just means bored. But one of the definitions that appeared was from Oxford Languages, and it said, “A feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.”

You see, I have been substitute teaching in my children’s schools for over 2 years, and while I have enjoyed aspects of it so much, for at least a year, I have been feeling quite restless. Just over a year ago, I started applying for jobs both in and out of the school system. I was discouraged to not even get a nibble on any of my applications, but then, Isaac became very ill and I knew that my attention needed to be on him. I couldn’t have had a job through the worst of his illness because I had to put so much effort into being his caregiver. But as his health has gotten better and his doctors have seen so much improvement, my listlessness has returned.

When I was presented with the word ennui, I felt relief in having such a simple way to sum up what I have been feeling as of late. There have been moments when I have been so discouraged, but with one game of Wordle, I was reminded that God sees me in all the stages of my heart, especially in my ennui. And just to remind me that He has not forgotten me, within hours of learning the word ennui, I got a call to set up a job interview, my first in over a decade. It was just the push I needed to keep going in continuing to figure out where I’m being called.

I still don’t really know what I want to be “when I grow up” or what kind of work I’m meant to do, but I’m excited and determined to see how God can help me find joy in every place He puts me.